About twelve years ago, I walked into a church building that wasn’t my own. I didn’t know anyone there. Across the room, on a sofa by herself, was a woman crying.
I don’t know her name. I’m not sure I could pick her out of a crowd today. I remember that she had dark hair. I remember that she was alone and that she was crying.
My first thought was that I should go and sit with her.
My second thought came right behind it. She doesn’t know me. I don’t have anything to offer her. She probably wants to be alone. I might be intruding.
You know those thoughts. They are the ones we use to talk ourselves out of our first good instinct. I never went over.
Never suppress a generous thought
I still think about that day. Camilla Kimball, a leader in my church, said that we should never suppress a generous thought. I wish I lived by that more than I do.
The story behind that line is about a seamstress. Susan, a woman who sewed beautifully, made a silk tie for a church leader. She walked to his front door and stopped, suddenly sure he already had plenty of ties and that she had no business offering him one. His wife opened the door and told her not to suppress a generous thought. It is the same hesitation I felt that day, at a different front door. You can read the whole story here.
I think many of us talk ourselves out of doing the kind thing, because we decide we have nothing to offer. That isn’t true. We have ourselves to offer. We all have gifts and talents. We all have life experience and kindness that could help someone else, if we stopped talking ourselves out of it.
Maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything about her day. But it might have comforted her to have someone see her where she was.
What shrinking looks like
When I talk about not shrinking, this is what I mean. That day, I made myself smaller. I diminished the light I have to offer, and I let a woman sit alone who maybe I could have helped.
I have wanted to talk with women for a long time about the things I have struggled with, because I don’t think I’m special. We all struggle with them. We all have the voice in our heads that says we aren’t enough, that we aren’t worth the extra effort, that we should stay where we are.
That voice has opinions about our bodies, too. It’s the same voice that tells us our clothes are fine when they aren’t, and that it’s easier to hide than to be seen. It takes work to quiet it, and it never fully goes away. I have found some things that help, and I want to share them with you.
The room is waiting
I can’t go back and sit on that sofa. What I can do is help build a room where women do offer each other their gifts, their kindness, and their encouragement.
On Wednesday, October 21, at the Howell Opera House, I’m speaking at Shine Your Light, and the room is waiting for you. Bring a friend, bring your sister, or come on your own.