I have been sewing for more than 40 years, and some of the most important things I know about women and their clothes, I learn when I’m not in the fitting room.
Women are frustrated with their bodies because nothing seems to fit well in the dressing room. So we blame ourselves instead of the clothes. That blame bleeds into not believing things can be better or different, and we settle for clothes that gap and pull and sag. We tell ourselves that if we just worked out more or ate less, everything would be different.
I know what a perfect fit can do for a woman’s confidence and joy. But most of us only think about alterations for a special occasion, so the rest of the time we settle for close enough, every day.
I wish we could all stop blaming our bodies instead of the clothes that were never made to fit anyone in particular.
You are not the problem. You never were.
Close enough is a habit
Nobody decides to settle once. It happens in small ways. The dress that cost $30, so it doesn’t seem worth another $50 to make it fit. The size you bought because it was the one you could get on your body.
Each one is a tiny decision that says you aren’t worth the extra effort. After enough of them, it stops feeling like a decision and starts feeling like who you are.
Here is what I’ve seen in my studio in Howell, Michigan. The habit doesn’t stay in the closet. A woman who tells herself her clothes are fine when they are not will often tell herself the same thing about the job she has outgrown, the conversation she keeps putting off, and the raise she hasn’t asked for. “It’s fine” and “it’ll do” travel well.
What the research says about clothes and confidence
Researchers call this idea enclothed cognition. Studies published since 2015 support the core principle that what we wear influences how we think, feel, and act. The effect appears real but modest, and it is strongest when the clothes carry a meaning that matters to the task at hand.
I want to be straight with you about what that research can and cannot tell us. Nobody has tested whether settling in your closet predicts settling everywhere else. That part comes from 40 years of sewing and listening to women talk about their clothes, and I’m sharing it as what I have seen. The research supports the first half: the clothes you wear change the woman wearing them.
Hiding in your clothes
Many women reach for oversized clothes because they want to cover the parts of themselves they’d rather no one see. I understand that completely, and I’m not here to judge your favorite sweater. I do wonder whether hiding our bodies and hiding ourselves are really separate things.
Some of the women I work with don’t even own a full-length mirror. I think about that a lot.
People see how you treat yourself
The stories we tell ourselves do not stay private. We are not worth the extra effort. We are not worth the investment. We are fine the way things are, no matter what. Then we walk into a room, and people can see how we treat ourselves and how we speak about ourselves.
A woman who believes she is worth the effort shows it before she says a word. Clothes that fit well are part of that, because they tell the room you took yourself seriously first.
Where to start
Pick one thing. Choose one garment in your closet that is close enough and ask what it would take to make it fit. Sometimes it is a hem. Sometimes it is a shoulder. Sometimes it is admitting it was never cut for you.
Maybe you aren’t sure what’s wrong, and that’s okay. It can be hard to see on yourself, and if you don’t sew, you may not know what changes are possible. That’s where I come in, or a good local alterations specialist.
Sometimes I just pin it. The alteration hasn’t even happened yet, and I watch her posture change. That is the first step, and it is a small one.
If you’re ready to look for a better fit, take a look at my fit refinement page. I’d love to help.
And on Wednesday, October 21, I’m speaking at the Howell Opera House at Shine Your Light. My talk is called “Feeling Powerful Is Easy. It Starts in Your Closet,” and I’d love to see you there. Get your ticket here